K-I-S-S-I-N-G: Part Duh

I posted an entry about a month ago entitled K-I-S-S-I-N-G: How NOT to Suck.  Well, that entry sucked, so I deleted it.  My main point was that there is no such thing as a bad kisser.  I argued that everyone is different and has different preferences, so one's kissing trash could be another's kissing treasure.  But ANYONE - even YOU - could be bad at kissing.  No one is safe.

If you think you're a great kisser and have your go-to moves ... you probably suck.  Why?  BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.  Kissing is not a one-size fits all kinda deal. That tongue trick you do may have worked on one person, but it might gross the next person out.

This understanding that everyone is different is the secret to great kissing.  I mean, you can be good if you have the standard technique down-

QUICK BASIC KISSING TECHNIQUE BREAKDOWN:

• Lips should be soft but firm. Don't be lazy and let 'em hang there.
• Interlock lips. Don't just put your mouth all over his or hers. Ugh.
• Keep the saliva drip under control with a little sucking action.  

-but GREAT kissing involves assessing and adapting to the lips at hand.  There's a need for constant experimentation and adjustments.  Kissing is just sex on a smaller scale.  You're learning a new person.  You're figuring them out.  If you go into kissing thinking you know everything ... what's the point?

When kissing a new person, you are learning.  So you're going to make mistakes.  Not every first kiss is going to be mind-blowingly awesome.  In fact, they're usually not.  You have to work at kissing to make it optimal for both parties.  The good news?  It's fun work.

Coming from a female perspective, I have had to "train" almost every guy I've been in mouth-to-mouth contact with.  It's a subtle art girls need to know because most guys are the guilty ones when it comes to finding a process and sticking to it.  No deviation.  He thinks he's sweeping you off your feet by almost ripping your hair out and pressing his lips to yours so hard that you feel like your neck is going to break.  He has no idea that he's not Clark Gable.

So us girls do our little tricks.  We're fairly forgiving when it comes to bad kissers, and we'll try to work with you a bit.  Take the neck-breaking kiss.  If a guy tries to kill me with passion, I might sensually place a hand on his chest and ever so slightly pull away.  I'll pause ... but it seems like I'm taking a sexy pause.  Really, I'm just pressing the reset button and taking control.  That's when I go back into the kiss, only this time setting a new feel and pace.  Depending on how intuitive the guy is, this silent communication is all that's needed.  It may take a few sexy pauses, but eventually, he gets it.  Or he doesn't.  Next!

On the opposite side of the spectrum from the self-proclaimed amazing kissers are the people that think that kissing "comes naturally".  They assume that no practice or consideration is needed, that magic will happen in that moment and it will be great.  Well, these people are too busy watching romantic movies and have probably never kissed anyone in their adult lives.  You think those actors nailed it on the first go round?  That's probably take 23 you're watching.  I'm not saying the fairytale, rock-your-socks-off, 40s Hollywood first kiss never happens.  I know it can.  But in 26 years of life, I've only experienced it once.  ONCE!  Total fluke.  The memory still torments me ...

What? Right. Kissing.  My advice?  As usual, be authentic and compassionate and open.  And beyond the physical part of it, going into a kiss with the right intention will make all the difference.  Don't force it.  Don't rush it.  And remember from the basic techniques ... In order not to suck, you have to suck a little.

Once Upon a Time, My Dad Was a Guy

It is a rare thing when two people transcend falling in love and actually become each other's family and life partners.  That's my parents.  They are the poster couple for true love.  I still catch them making sparkly eyes at each other and exchanging secret smiles.  There's never been a question of whether or not they belong together.

So you'd think they'd have an amazing proposal story, something for the ages.

Actually ... no.  About a month after they met, my dad was throwing around the idea of marriage.  According to my mom, he was drunk when this happened.  And then he started suggesting marriage sober.  She threatened to take him up on the offer if he kept bringing it up.  Finally, they just decided to get married.  No dropping down to one knee.  No declarations of love.  A few months later, the knot was tied.

Time went by.  They raised four children and watched three grandchildren come into the world.  Thirty-three years of marriage and they're still laughing at each other.

My dad is a humble man.  He doesn't often talk about himself and avoids the spotlight in a lot of ways.  We have to beg him to tell us stories about his youth.  So it came as somewhat of a surprise at my mother's 60th birthday celebration when my dad stood up to give a toast and announced that he was going to tell us a story.

My sister and I had asked Dad for years how he had proposed to Mom.  That night at Mom's birthday dinner, Dad confessed that he was always too embarrassed to tell us the whole story of their engagement.  "The truth is ... I never did propose to your mom," he admitted.  The next moment was surreal.  Dad said something along the lines of "correct the situation" ... then he pulled out a ring, dropped down to one knee ... and in front of his children and daughter-in-laws, he declared to my mom that she was the love of his life.  He presented the ring and asked if she would accept it.  My mom, who rarely cries in front of anyone, was beside herself with emotion.

She said yes.

It was a moment thirty-three years in the making.  Dad had been planning it for a decade.  When I look at my dad, I see this brilliant man who has set the bar so incredibly high for me and my sister when it comes to our potential life partners.  At times, this high standard makes me feel a little hopeless ... especially with so many guys running around.  A good man is hard to find.

But a very recent and startling internalization restored my hope.  Looking at old photos of my dad from the early days when he first met my mom, he looked like such a ... guy.  Old home movies?  He acted like such a guy.  Holy shit ...  my dad, this brilliant man, this Atticus Finchian figure in my life ... once upon a time, he was a guy!

I have to accept the fact that while there are guys and there are men, guys have the potential to become great men.  And if I am to embark on this dating journey fully, with love and compassion, I must be open to the idea that my match is currently a guy.  This means I need to expand my dating pool to include guys.  That's not just lowering the bar.  That's throwing the bar out the window.

But like my mom was to my dad, I could be the catalyst to set off that guy's transformation ... and maybe, just maybe he'll become the man of my dreams.  (wistful sigh)

Next blog ... The Art of Kissing.  Okay, maybe more like Kissing 101.

6 Survival Tools for Guys in Today's Dating World

To the guys: I'm really proud of you for clicking on this blog.  A guy that cares about self-improvement is hot.  Secondly, I define dating as a quest to find your partner in life -- NOT playing the field, which is totally acceptable but not what we're talking about here.  Thirdly, please know that this entry is coming from a place of love and compassion and a sincere wish to help guys in need.  Guaranteed, this is the blog you must read to be successful in dating.

First step is simple:  Man the fuck up.  This a loaded statement and not just because I threw "fuck" in there for emphasis.  All women can tell the difference between a guy and a man.  Guys know what they want, but a man knows how to get what he wants.  More importantly, a man is willing to sacrifice to get what he wants.  Sacrifice, compromise ... these are words guys don't understand.  Guys want to put forth the minimum amount of effort to get a girl.  A man knows that the woman he ends up with is making the ultimate sacrifice and compromise by accepting him.  So the least he can do is everything for her in return.  You might be irritated having read that part and fundamentally disagree with it.  Well, that's why you're a guy and not a man ... which brings me back to my point: Man the fuck up.

But let's be realistic.  You're not going to snap your fingers and, poof, be a man.  The transition from guyhood to manhood is a process.  Below, I have outlined a few dating tools to help you fake it till you make it.

#1: Just ask her out already.  Like Nike said, just do it.  Seriously.  She already knows it's coming.  She knew you were going to ask her out before you even knew.  Because we know.  So don't drag it out, or worse, cop out with a text message.  This is your opportunity to present yourself as a man and make a good impression.  Be assertive.  Ask her out.  In person.

#2: High school days are over. That arsenal of suave moves you used as a teenager and maybe in college?  Chuck it.  You're dealing with mature women now, women who are way more into figuring out who they are and what they want than wasting time on you.  In the dating world, there's no such thing as just "hanging out".  She's not into kicking it at your crib after school.  If you say to her that you want to "hang out" and "see how things go" ... you lost her.  She's gone.  All she heard is "time-suck" and "let's play how fast can we turn watching TV into a makeout session".  She's looking for a life-partner, not just another guy. So put the fake stretch and preconceived dating notions away.  Welcome to the real world.

#3: Look the part.  Do the things a man would do. Open her door.  Listen to what she's saying.  Ask thoughtful questions that indicate your interest in her as an individual.  Handle the tab without hesitation.  Make her feel like she's taken care of.  Steer her away from glass on the sidewalk (Say Anything).

Don't do the things a man wouldn't do.  Don't brag about that model you once dated or how many times you've gotten laid.  Don't fart or burp or talk badly about yourself or others.  And definitely, do not ask her about her past relationships and/or sexual history.  Every girl has been asked by some dude they barely know, "When did you lose your virginity?"  This is a very intimate, personal question, and for some girls the answer may be, "My next door neighbor molested me when I was 12-years-old."  So don't be a creeper.  Avoid this faux pas like the plague.

Don't sulk if rejected.  You have to learn to take it like a man.  A girl passing on you just means you're not her cup of tea, but she probably still thinks you're a great guy.  So if you're cool about it and nice, she's going to recommend you to her hot friends.  If you're a dick ... well, you'll be filed away into the bin of other dicks, and I'm pretty sure that's the last place straight guys want to go.

#4: Take the pressure off. Let's face it -- you're interested because your penis is interested.  You don't know this girl anymore than she knows you.  So let's take the pressure off.  Test the waters.  First couple dates are about creating a stress-free atmosphere conducive to conversation.  If you literally just met the girl, ask her out for a friendly coffee.  If you're acquaintances, give her the option of coffee or drinks.  If that date goes well and you find yourself curious about her, ask her to go for an afternoon stroll.  Dude ... she'll love it.  Bring her a flower for MAJOR bonus points.  Free of romantic pressure, you'll be able to see if you enjoy each other's company and have an intellectual spark ... which is the spark most girls need to turn the romantic switch on.  Chances of making that intellectual connection in a dark movie theatre staring at a screen for two hours?  Exactly.  So get creative on things you can do together.  Keep the territory neutral and the activity simple.  Have her meet you at Waterloo Records and explore music together.  Go hiking in the Greenbelt.  Need a new jacket or a pair of jeans?  Ask her to help you shop.  Most women will know where to find the deals and how to make you look good.  Plus, they'll love any excuse to see how your butt looks in new jeans ... so work that ass!  And offer her lunch in return for her services.

#5: No, really, back off.  Imagine a girl you may or may not be interested in smothering you to death.  Yeah, well we don't like it either.  DO NOT text her constantly or attempt to have a conversation over any technology invented after the telephone.  If you look on your cell, you'll see a phone icon.  That will take you to a list of contacts or a keypad.  Find her number or tap it in.  Hit "call".  Put the phone to your ear.  You'll hear a tone.  Then a voice.  It's her!  Say hello.  Commence conversation.

Congratulations.  You've just called a girl.  Why is this important?  Every move you make from the second she meets you will be under scrutiny.  Texting her nonstop says to her that you're lazy.  Liking only her pictures on Facebook says you're a horn dog.  True or not, that's the message she's receiving from your actions.  So be chill.  Like her status on Facebook.  Send her a quick text saying hi and how excited you are to see her again.  But that's it.  Don't think of it as playing it cool ... you're just playing it smart.  As far as any physical contact ... read #6.

#6: Make your intentions clear: Coffee was fun.  The afternoon stroll was even better.  You're into this girl and are ready to pursue.  Time for a proper date.  Ask her to dinner.  Once orders are placed and menus put away, you say, "Just wanted to say ... I've really enjoyed getting to know you.  No pressure, but I am very interested in seeing you more on a regular basis."  Or however you want to phrase it.  Just be authentic.  The point is to declare your interest in an official capacity.  You're not asking her to marry you or telling her you want monogamy.   You're just saying, "Hey, my penis, brain and heart are now in alignment.  All three are interested in you."  This direct communication will make her face light up.  The romance switch will turn on.  Time for the first kiss.  She's ready for it. After two dates with no kiss, she's going crazy.  She's touching up her lipstick or gloss, sending you the signals.  Go in for the kill.  See my future blog on kissing tips.

There are no fixed rules when it comes to dating.  When you sleep with someone and how fast you become emotionally intimate is up to the two people on the dance floor.  From sex on the first date to sex only after marriage -- it's all good.  It's a matter of respecting yourself and that other person and being considerate.  The best advice I can give anyone, guy or gal, is to be as authentic and present as possible when dating someone new.

Happy dating, guys!  I mean, soon-to-be men!  Next blog will be the tale of the most romantic marriage proposal I have ever witnessed.  Stay tuned!

5 Survival Tools for Girls in Today's Dating World

It is time to look at dating like it's a fun adventure - not a chore us singles have to go through to find the perfect person.  And as with any adventure, you're going to want to pack a few survival tools.  In this case, I've outlined a few fundamental mental tools every girl should review before a date.  The goal of these tips is to relieve any stress or anxiety before going out, like a centering exercise.

1) YOU have the power. In every dating situation, the girl holds the power -- not the guy.  Let that sink in.  If a guy asks you out, he's into you.  Are you into him?  Maybe.  The girl will ultimately dictate whether or not things progress.  So embrace that power.  And knowing that you have that power ... relax and enjoy the ride.  Because you're in control.

2) Set your boundaries early. You're on a first date, say coffee or drinks.  Ten minutes in, he asks you about your previous relationships and dating experience.  You instantly feel uncomfortable and go completely blank on how to avoid the question.  Totally unprepared, you end up answering the question as vaguely as possible -- but you still answered it even though you didn't want to.

You've now set a precedent in intimacy with this virtual stranger that you weren't ready to set.  From here, it's a slippery slope to finding yourself in some truly compromising positions.  Remember, you're in control here.  Prepare and practice a few responses for those uncomfortable moments so you'll be able to steer the conversation back to smoother waters.  If a guy asks you a question you don't want to answer, simply say, "That would be a really great discussion to have later," and then follow it up with a question that changes the subject, like, "How's business?" or something a little more surface level.  Like anything, this will take time getting used to, but you owe it to yourself to set those boundaries and dictate the playing field.  Anytime you're feeling uncomfortable, remember you're behind the wheel. So don't get run over!

3) Actions speak louder than words.  Until you really know a guy and trust him, FOCUS ON HIS ACTIONS.  Guys are wired with a Google Maps app in their brains that's constantly rerouting them to the fastest, easiest way into your pants.  Being charming and saying nice things is an ability all guys have, like dogs making big, sweet eyes when they want food. This charm ability is what guys will call upon most often because it requires the least amount of effort.  Common example: He says he'll call you -- but then he sends you a text message instead.  See how words are meaningless there?

We're all familiar with the line, "He's just not that into you."  This isn't the key to decoding a guy's words.  This a key to decoding a guy's actions.  If he's into you, he'll call.  He'll make the next date.  He'll DO something that shows he's into you.  This is KEY because us girls eat up sweet words like they're gold.  But until his actions are backing up his words and you can trust him, take his words for what they're worth: Nada.

4) You can only know how YOU feel. You're never going to know what's going on in his brain.  It is a given that he's interested.  He asked you out.  He's in.  That needs to be enough for us girls.  Why?  Because all you can truly know is how YOU feel, not what HE'S thinking.  This is a pivotal, liberating concept for some of us, so let that marinate.  And remember -- he asked you out because he was definitely interested, but you only agreed to go out with him because you might be interested.  Your goal in the first couple dates is to figure out if he's a contender -- not whether he sees you as a contender.  He wouldn't be on a date with you if you weren't.

5) Like ... don't like.  Hopefully, the previous points have set in.  You are now feeling more confident and relaxed.  You're dressed and mentally ready to go on a date.  But maybe that one fear is still plaguing you. You can't stop thinking, "How do I know if I'm into him?  When SHOULD I know? What if I AM into him?  Or worse -- what if during the date, it hits me that I'm NOT into him? Then what?"

Girls are sensitive to feelings by nature, both our feelings and others'.  When it comes to setting boundaries or figuring out what we want and how to get it, we never want to be pegged as the "bitch".  This a common fear for girls, and it often prevents us from acting authentically.  Going on a date, you only have two tasks: Be observant and have fun.

'Be observant' means to simply notice what you like and don't like.  That's it.  He opens the door for you.  "I like that."  He asks you a question that makes you uncomfortable.  "I don't like that." Eventually, the likes and don't-likes will tip your feelings one way or the other, and that's when you'll know if he's a contender.  Till then, keep interacting with him in a way that you're comfortable with ... because you've already set your boundaries early on.

If the scales do not tip in his favor ... don't panic.  Just end the date with clear intention.  Shake his hand and say something along the lines of, "Great talking to you. I'd love to hang out as friends, if that's okay."  Don't worry about his response or how he feels.  He's a big boy.  He can take it.  You are not responsible for his heart -- only yours.  If he's a sulky jerk about it, guess what?  Not your problem.  He's an idiot.  Move on.

I hope some of this has given you the same peace of mind it has given me.  This is a skeletal outline of tools that I will flesh out in later blogs.  Till then, remember you have the power and enjoy the journey!

Next time, survival tools for boys!  They need 'em.

An Introduction to the Dating World

I have witnessed the dating misadventures of friends and loved ones for years, never really understanding how it all works.  I had the basics down: Guy and girl meet. Guy asks girl out. Guy opens door, pays for meal, and kisses girl on her doorstep.

I have only ever experienced this sacred ritual myself a handful of times -- each time more unpleasant than the last.  Around my birthday in November, I decided to enter the "dating world"-- you know -- officially.  As a 26-year-old woman, surely the days of immature, inexperienced boys were far behind me.  No more sloppy kisses.  No more awkward groping.  No more games.  I would meet an assertive man, clear with intention.  He would ask me out, open my door, pay for my meal, and kiss me like Clark Gable on my doorstep.

'Rude awakening' doesn't quite cover it.  Surprisingly, guys my age are the same as they were in high school, except now they have the ability to grow facial hair and parade around looking like men.  In case that nasty bit of generalizing didn't give me away, I had an unfortunate dating experience a few weeks ago with a total jerk--

And there it is.  Did you catch it?  The trap?  The negative dialogue?  Pay close attention.  It is so easy for us singles to fall into the bad habit of pinning everyone else with the guilt.  "He was such an asshole ... What is it with guys these days? ... Ugh, I hate dating!"  This negative spin cycle starts and only ends when you meet your match or decide to swear men off forever.  I know this because I've seen it rage on for years in others, causing endless suffering to single gals.  In life, pain is inevitable.  We create our own suffering.  Only five minutes into the dating game, and I was already deflated and disheartened from ranting.  I knew I had to shift gears.

Standing in line at Taco Deli with a male co-worker, I applauded him for snagging the last parking spot right in front of the place while I had to park a block away on the street.

"I hate parking," I grumbled.

"Really?" he said with a smile. "I love parking!  I always find amazing spots.  Maybe you should try loving it.  If you loved parking, the universe might throw you an awesome spot next time."

Obviously, this all stems back to one's attitude and putting good vibrations out there.  Attitude is everything.  Trite but true.  If I loved dating, if I truly saw it as an adventure, as a chance to grow and learn more about myself, I could reduce my stress and suffering, and -- shoot, I dunno-- perhaps enjoy the journey!

Once I reframed my view on dating, I was able to look back at my recent unfortunate dating episode ... and I realized, it was actually a really valuable experience.  I learned lesson upon lesson about myself and proper dating etiquette.  The shift in attitude opened up my mind so much, I was inspired to start this blog.  So, it's time to put on my fun cap and enjoy the dating journey.  This isn't a blog about horror stories or a series of attempts to answer the question, "Why do guys suck so much?"  This is an exploration into the complexity and chaos of human relationships and the powerful wisdom a single gal can acquire simply by being open and compassionate with herself and the poor bastards that get in her way.

Next blog, I will break down a few basic guidelines that I think all gals should know before their next dating adventure ...